Two letters, one word…NO

I hate the word NO. Honestly, it just seems so negative. Now, I am not saying I am the overly optimistic-always-happy-positive-person. I just don’t like saying NO or turning things down. In undergrad, even if it meant giving up time with friends and family, I always did what I was told and would rarely say no to any opportunity that presented itself.  As a student leader I was always asked to sit on committees, or help an event or just do something outside my assigned roles. And generally, I loved every minute of it. I will not say I was used or manipulated by my mentors or supervisors, but I honestly felt that saying no was a sign of weakness or an inability to handle any extra work. Plus, I felt like I was letting the department down which was never my style.

This year, I have stretched myself pretty thin.  Between my classes, my GA position, and my RD role, I have been back and forth between schools constantly – doing my best not to miss major meetings or events on either campus while still trying to maintain some semblance of a social life outside both positions. It has not been easy – especially with my undergrad mentality of always saying yes to extra responsibilities. I really do love what I do, but more and more I am learning the importance of balance. It is never worth getting sick or killing myself to make sure everything is perfect. I physically cannot be in two places at once. I know I am supposed to “pay my dues” so to speak as a grad student and I am absolutely fine with that – I have learned so much about the field in the past 8 months or so and learned even more about myself. However, if it means sacrificing my health and my sanity, then it’s not likely worth it.  I spent much of last semester just trying to keep my head above water and stay healthy. I was sick in my first semester more often than in my entire four years of undergrad. It was then that I decided that I would start using one little word – NO.

It has made a world of difference this semester. I have balanced my jobs, school work, and personal life much more effectively than last semester and have warded off all signs of sickness (even with the dreaded H1N1 and Norovirus running rampant on campus). I have occasionally missed out on some opportunities as a result, but it has allowed me to be more intentional about the experiences I have as a grad student.  So far, the power of NO has been one of the more important lessons I have learned this year.

The art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes. – Tony Blair

Let’s get the conversation started

Student affairs is all about conversation – conversations to network and share ideas, to connect to students and colleagues. We converse in person, through email and even on social media sites. Conversation is how we can learn and improve ourselves and this field. I recently had a conversation that was probably the most productive and simultaneously one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had.

Currently, I serve as a part time Residence Director at a small college in Boston. I have one of the most amazing staffs I could have ever asked for and though probably the most unlikely to ever get along the year has been great. I have the smallest staff on campus and as a result my RAs are on duty almost 3 times as much as any other staff.  The building is fairly quiet, though, so duty is not so laborious as some other buildings on campus. All year long the staff has been great about helping each other out when it comes to covering or switching duties and just being a support for one another. One staff member in particular has had a rough year in terms of maintaining academic success, balancing personal life, and being healthy. He’s a great student – probably one of the most intelligent people I have ever interacted with.  He is also the existentialist on staff – always asking “what’s the point? How does all this matter?” and a series of other questions for which I do not always have an answer.  This year he has been sick quite a lot (likely a result of the lack of sleep and high stress of balancing her academics with this leadership role). The staff has been supportive of him throughout it all, but occasionally there are grumblings about having to pick up duty or help with other RA tasks. I decided after her last bout with sickness it was time for some conversation about him and his future as an RA.

I am not a fan of having these tough conversations, especially with people I care about and who I know quite well. I find conduct hearings easier than this.  Nevertheless, I think it went well. I think he left the meeting feeling upset that she may have let me and the staff down but also determined to prove to me that he could be an RA and a good one at that. I have faith that this “come-to-Jesus” talk will only motivate him to succeed in the last 38 days of school. We made a plan to reevaluate the situation in a few weeks and I let him know that if he decided to not continue in his capacity as an RA in the upcoming year he would not under any circumstances be letting me down.

It’s not easy having these conversations but it is necessary. If this 1.5 hour conversation helps him re-prioritize and become a better leader and a better RA then that’s great. If he realizes in the end that next year he needs to focus on herself and step back from being an RA, then that’s great too.  I know that there are many more of these tough conversations to come in the future (and I’m sure I will be on the receiving end of at least a few of them). And although it may be much easier to avoid having them, it’s important to remember that it’s essential. Students and professionals alike can both learn and grow.

Conversation is the laboratory and workshop of the student. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What do I know? I’m just a grad student

I probably use this line at least once a day. 90% of the time it’s in jest. It really has become more of an inside joke than anything else with a few friends. But really, what do I know? I am after all just a grad student. I started my graduate program in Fall 2009 and simultaneously began work at the same institution as a GA in the Student Involvement Office. (Oh, and I also work as a “part-time” Residence Director… Yes, I do have a life outside Student Affairs). In my four years of undergrad, I threw myself into Residence Life – I would eat, sleep, breathe and live ResLife. I was never really able to get directly involved in campus programs (some failed attempts at board positions) or orientation (would have had to choose between reslife and orientation… no brainer for me).

Needless to say, I was incredibly nervous about starting my GA in Student Involvement. I was really excited to work with the professionals in my office and get my feet wet in this area of student affairs, but I was still incredibly nervous.  Ask anyone in my office, I was basically mute the first month or so in the office (not too mention slightly overwhelmed). I think my biggest fear was failure. It absolutely terrifies me. I know that failure is important for learning, but the prospect of failing makes my heart beat a bit faster and cause serious internal freak-outs. And really, what did I know? I was a new grad student with practically no experience in this functional area!

It probably was not until mid to late October when I realized that what I didn’t know didn’t matter. And truth be told, I proved to myself I knew a lot. Homecoming is kind of a big deal at Bridgewater and it is the responsibility of the GA to organize various vendors to donate their time and their flat beds to the parade to serve as floats. Everything was booked by the beginning of the month, trucks were to be delivered for float building on Friday of Homecoming. I called to confirm in the beginning of the week and 2 of the 4 vendors backed out at the last minute. After a minor freak-out because of my epic fail I jumped into crisis-management mode.  I used some common sense, knowledge from past experiences, a little bit of begging, and just found a way to fix the problem (U-Haul basically became the unofficial sponsor of the parade).  No it wasn’t perfect and it certainly didn’t go as planned, but I realized I knew more than I thought I did. I have had to problem solve with programming in ResLife tons of times – why should this be any different?

So what do I know?
-Failing still isn’t all that fun, but is certainly a learning experience
-Experience is a student affairs grad students best friend
-There is a lot of overlap in student affairs functional areas
-Nothing is ever going to perfectly as planned (even if you have a series of back up plans)
-Challenges make life and my job interesting

I definitely don’t know everything about everything and I’m okay with that. I know as Student Affairs professional I’ve signed up for the life-long subscription to learning and I am definitely okay with that.